Archive for the ‘1’ Category

Some people might think dressing up like an 18th century bearded love fairy and sprinkling themselves all over the Greater New York area is a bad idea. Well, luckily for you and us, this guy thinks it’s the best thing since Sudafed started offering cherry cough syrup in 2L bottles. It takes some serious balls to sport a toddler’s christening dress, grow a mountain man beard, construct a love wand out of Sasquatch tears and dance your ass off to a Cher mix only you can hear. But shit, to Bearded Love Fairy that’s just a regular Tuesday.

We could all stand to learn something from BLF. While we wait for the train, worrying about whether we have enough argyle socks to get us through the week, this sequined sprite is partying like Obama just won a second term.  And if power dancing all over the platform wasn’t enough to make you forget you’re going home to Lean Cuisine and an empty bed, buddy has got a giant heart sewn onto his underwear, and he is dying to show you.  Literally, we think he might be dying. My God and Timothy Leary, we hope one day we can get our hands on whatever this crazy cupid is on. Sadly though, it’s a lot trickier to track down one part whiskey, one part Ethiopian qat, one part Keebler Elf sweat in a Gatorade bottle than you think. Ebay just isn’t what it used to be.

If you ever have the honor of running into Lord Linguine King of the Ravioli Children spreading cheer in your neighborhood, you best get down on one knee and show him some respect, because the only person who knows how long it will be before Xenu calls him back home is Tom Cruise. And no matter how many times you call 1-800-SEXYTOM, the fucker never answers. Check your messages Jerry Macguire.

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SNOOOOOOOOWWWW DAYYYY. Fuck yeah, Mother Nature we love you. We love that you can shut down the Eastern Seaboard in one night, we love that you make it impossible for us to get to work, we love you like that hole in our mattress. Long time.

Is there anything better than a Snow Day? Not in our books. It comes down from the sky, covers everything in white, and keeps you in bed till noon; it’s just like a Vietnamese mail-order prostitute with a key of coke. Minus the regret and obligatory paternity test. Seriously, we can’t get over how much we adore a good snow day.  Not only does it keep us away from work, but it also keeps us in our one-piece pajamas, watching The Price Is Right re-runs for way longer than a grown adult should be.  A Snow Day is basically like having a glimpse into the world of an unemployed 32-year-old who lives off food stamps and self-deprecation. And you know what? We like the smell of what he’s cooking.

So, if you are lucky enough to have more white powder dumped on your town than Mickey Rourke’s glass table, give it up. Give it up big time, because who knows, the next time you’re at home eating Lucky Charms at 1pm on a weekday, it might be because there is no job to go back to.  “YEAH ECONOMY!”

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#1 White House Party Crashers – Jesus, Tareq and Michaele! A national security crisis just so you can get on The Real Housewives of D.C.? Come on! Maybe if it was Orange County or even Atlanta we could understand, but D.C? Barf. Washington is like Epcot Center for middle-aged men and second-tier prostitutes. We hope next time you come within arms length of Uncie Joe, the secret service auditions for The Real Face-Punches of Douches.

#2 Fire Hydrants – Usually we have nothing against fire hydrants – they provide outhouses for dogs, sprinklers for kids and water for flaming Taco Bells. But then one of them had to go and lodge themselves into the front of T. Woods’ Escalade. Damn you fire hydrants! Instead of putting out fires, you’re starting new ones and now all we’re left with is a 24-hour news cycle dedicated to which holes Tiger dropped his balls in. Don’t make us tee off on your rosey visage.

#3 New York State Senate – Seriously Albany, when did voting “no” on same-sex marriage seem like the right thing to do? Did you fall down, bump your head and wake up in Texas? Did you forget you represent the state that’s home to Andy Warhol, Marc Jacobs and mother fucking Chelsea! The next time you vote on a bill by asking yourself “what would Tehran do?” we’re going to load Adam Lambart with ecstasy and unleash his crotch on yours.

#4 Crazy X-box Returner – Turns out having your X-Box freeze up the minute you are about to pass COD 2 for the 11th time in you grandmother’s basement is enough to make some people go postal. Just ask the 43-year-old dude who decided to try and return his faulty joy machine with a stun gun. Hey Wolfenstein, how about you relax? The teenage employee with acne and an overbite is not going to have the answers to why you’re still a virgin. If you don’t leave soon, Greg from Cinnabon is going to left, right, up, down you to the next level.

#5 Oprah Winfrey – Thanks a lot Oprah, there you are, all “blah, blah, blah I’ll save the world”, then you’re like “fuck it, I’m going to leave you suckas with Tyra and her giant forehead.” Well screw y…oh who are we kidding, we can’t stay mad at you. Please don’t go.

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